I Go On

I know what I cannot have.
The realization stings me,
makes my heart ache,
slows my mind.
I see an empty room.

I want what I cannot have.
Too many stop signs hold down my speed,
keep me far from the goal
or the hope of a setting a goal.
I find nothing safe.

I deserve what I cannot want.
Perhaps I am not capable of happiness,
I love ideas too much,
I will be alone like this always.
I hate the silence.

I have what I do not desire.
I make choices, not all consciously,
that may lead me deeper into darkness,
that could haunt me.
I am endlessly afraid of what I do not know.

I am what I will not accept.
My motives escape me,
want nothing to do with me,
Few ideas hurt worse than
believing I have lied to myself.

I can have what I need.
Some part of me wants to change,
oils the passion I have lost,
drives me forward faster, faster.
I should get out of my way.