Abuse

Even breath.
I'm sorry, I say, but I don't mean it.
I'm so sorry.
I can clench these fingers a thousand times
but the familiar sting won't leave them.
Again I've beaten you, again for my own reasons,
and I feel absolutely nothing but the pain in my hands.

That sideways look.
When you see it, you should know I'm turning off.
I've already made the decision to hit you.
I'm just waiting for the right moment,
the surprise moment,
for the impact to be both meaningful and painful.
Jesus, I can't even say you asked for it.

Cold thoughts.
I'm always going to hurt you when I need to heal.
That is the truth.
You should go, because immediately after I put you on the ground
I am briefly unsure if I ever want to do it again.
Briefly.